A Little Bit Of Crazy
by abronzeflame
Summary: What do you get when you mix the Twilight gang with Jay & Silent Bob, Dawson's, and a dash of some of Hollywood's classics for good measure? One very messed up, slightly tangy cocktail. Rated "ouch" for side-splitting laughter... or so I'm told.


**So I wrote this craziness for my darling Bitch Fucker Miztrezboo's birthday. I had the silly idea to take quotes from her favorite movies and jumble them up into one big ball of what-the-fuck. With a collection of those quotes, a straw, and a twist of lemon, voilà, I give you...**

**"The Clerks Make A Porno in Casablanca with Romeo and Juliet, but Jay and Silent Bob and Empire Records are Gone With The Wind."**

**...  
**

"Part, fools! Put up your swords. You know not what you do!" shouted Jasper to the couple opposite him.

"A dog of the house of Cullen moves me!" was Emmett's comeback.

Emmett who was buff and well-built stood beside Rosalie, a fair haired maiden, with voluptuous curves and a bosom envied the world over. "I bite my thumb at you, sir."

Jasper who'd had enough of being interrupted and mocked, stomped his feet like a insolent child. "All are punished!"

Running from somewhere unseen came Edward, a man whose beauty could not be matched by any other. Breathless and with a stitch in his side, he panted, "Be satisfied!"

Jasper spun to face the man with the model-like features. Sweat formed on his brow, his heart beat a furious rhythm. "Did my heart love 'til now? Forswear it sight. For I never saw true beauty 'til this night."

Everyone lost to the moment happening before them didn't see the two fools mosey in from somewhere behind the piano. "Ladies, ladies, ladies, Jay and Silent Bob are in the hizzouse!"

Emmett and his woman stopped, slack-jawed at the stoner fucks that had just stormed the room, but Jasper and the man he thought bore a striking likeness to The David were lost in their bubble of lust.

Jasper, staring into his beauty's eyes proclaimed, "If I profane with my unworthiest hand this holy shrine, the gentle sin is this. My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss."

Edward softly responded, "Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much, which mannerly devotion shows in this. For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch, and palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss."

Jasper, taken slightly aback the man's question asked, "Have not saints lips, and holy palmers, too?"

"Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer."

"Well, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do. They pray, grant thou, lest faith turn to despair." Leaning in provocatively, Jasper could smell the curious scent of the model's hair. It was like freshly mown grass and granny smith apples.

Edward transfixed by Jasper's bold move, leaned in reciprocally and whispered, "Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake."

Jasper, stunned that the man before him wanted him just as much as he, internally swooned. His knees almost giving way from the heavy feeling of desire bearing down on him. "Then move not, while my prayer's effect I take."

The two bogans standing to the side of the sweeping love affair taking place before them, suddenly burst out laughing, give each other high fives. Rosalie and Emmett joined the two buffoons and began talking amongst themselves about a sudden and rather nefarious plan, one that would soon have them rolling in Greenbacks.

"This is just the beginning, guys. If Star Whores works, and it will, we are set up for sequels galore. The Empire Strikes Ass," cackled Emmett, his eyes glittering like a five year who'd just ripped into his presents on Christmas morning.

"Return of the Brown Eye," shouted Rose, just as affected by the hilarity of the situation as Emmett.

"The Phantom Man Ass," called Jay, bowled over by his awesome idea.

"And Revenge of the Shit: The All Anal Final Chapter." Everyone spun around, deathly quiet and momentarily struck with a bout of something that envied Montezuma's revenge.

"...okay."

Silent Bob, confused as to why the group were looking at him as though he had something green hanging from his front teeth, said, **"**Revenge of the Shit, you got it?"

"No, yeah we got it," Emmett replied, swallowing the vomit that had risen to the back of his mouth.

"Ew," was all dainty Rosalie could say when she saw Emmett swallow tersely and turn around so as not to regurgitate again.

Hurt that his best dude, Jay and his new friends didn't see the the fuckawesomeness of his idea, muttered under his breath, "Fuck you, mothafuckas."

Just then Bella ran in, a slight, brown haired girl, tripping over her feet as she did. Her large doe-like eyes glistening with tears as she saw the men before he engaging in what Hollywood referred to as "a moment."

Her brow creased with fury, her heart clenching with betrayal. She stormed up to the men, pulling them apart and turned on the one that had Jasper shunning all women for. Crazed and without any logic to her thoughts, she grabbed Edward's shirt, pulling him right up to her face. "Kiss me. Kiss me as if it were the last time."

Emmett surprised by the turn of events, turned to a Rosalie and said, "Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine."

Rosalie nodding in agreement, sashayed over to the man behind the piano who had been quiet up til now. "Play it once, Sam. For old times' sake."

"The pianist who was under orders to never play the song that he knew Rosalie was referring to, played dumb. "I don't know what you mean, Miss Rose."

Not backing down from her request, Rose leaned in, her buxom D-cup breasts heaving in Sam's face. Breathily she said, "Play it, Sam. Play 'As Time Goes By.'"

The meek brown-haired girl and her Greek God pulled apart from their earth-shattering snog, desperately out of breath, and more horny than a rabbit on a good day. Overwhelmed by her own out of character behaviour, she suddenly slapped the man, her palm leaving a red mark splashed across his enviable high cheekbones. "You, sir, are no gentleman."

Bemused by her retort, Edward simply smirked, "And you, Miss, are no lady."

Rosalie now disinterested in the song that she demanded Sam play for her, went behind the bar and turned on the radio. Searching though the stations, she came across one that satisfied her. "Hiya kids. Here is an important message from your Uncle Bill. Don't buy drugs. Become a pop star, and they give you them for free!"

Emmett strolled over to the bar and joined hands with Rose. After laying one on her, he winked then said, "Try my lovely nuts."

Out of absolutely nowhere came two guys, both recognizable from TV and movies. One more well-known for shoving an apple pie over his crotch, the other for playing some dick from a show about a teenagers who speak far more advanced English than their counterparts.

The one with the fetish for dessert-covered cocks said to the shaggy blond who always kept his bedroom window open for his crush to climb through, "You're doubling me, obviously. I play Bluntman, aka Silent Bill."

"Bob."

"Right. And he's playing Chronic, aka Ray."

Running out of patience with Jason, James threw his hands in the air, annoyed. "Jay. Fuck, Biggs, did you even READ the script?"

"There's a script?"

"Listen, Potzer!"

"There's a script for this movie?" Jason asked again.

Pointing his finger at Jason, James said, "You wouldn't last A DAY on the Creek. A day."

"Fuck you and your Dawson's crap! Go to Hell, Pacey! Go to Hell!" cried Jason, whining and moaning like a schoolgirl whose haired had been pulled by the playground meanie.

"At least call me by the right fucking character."

Not in the least bit affected by the ruckus going on around them, Edward turned from Bella, his male pride cut from the cruel way that Bella had slapped him across the cheek. Her back and forth, push and pull behaviour was no longer something that Edward could put up with.

Bella, grabbed at her chest, pain surged through her body at the prospect of her lover walking away from her. "Edward, Edward... Edward, if you go, where shall I go? What shall I do?"

Edward looked back at Bella, sighing and wishing for but a moment that things were different, put on a brave face and said without a hint of a lie, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

Bella fell to the floor, tears falling from her brown eyes. Rosalie came over to the distraught girl and laid a friendly hand on her shoulder. Looking up at Rose, Bella said, "You know, the thing about romance is... people only get together right at the very end."

…..

The next day Edward walked into a shop.

"Welcome to MusicTown, may I service you?"

Edward looked at the small girl behind the counter with the spiky black hair, her all-knowing eyes looking him up and down as though she hadn't seen a naked man since being released from the all female prison she had been locked up in.

He was taken by her hard edge, her quirked brow, the way she admired him. Smirking at her, he said, "In the immortal words of The Doors, 'The time to hesitate is through.'" And he sauntered up to the register and casually jumped over it, flexing his biceps in the process, making the girl and her lady bits moan.

Without a moment to spare, he pressed his mouth firmly to the girl, running his hands down her back and grabbing her ass of which there wasn't much. He was disappointed by this but continued kissing her, pushing his tongue desperately into her mouth.

Just as she responded, an uproar from towards the back of the room broke them apart.

"Stop calling me Warren! My name isn't FUCKING WARREN!" screamed a puny boy in a ugly maroon coloured jacket. He was waving a gun around like he was the shit.

"His name isn't Warren," smirked one guy leaning his head around the corner of the door.

"His name isn't Warren," whispered a girl behind him, doing the same.

"His name isn't Warren," said another guy with black hair copying the other two.

From the bottom of the screen stood a ranga, who obviously thought he was too cool for school when he said, "I thought his name was Warren?"

Alice walked over to the kid screaming that he wasn't Warren and went through the CDs not so covertly hidden in his baggy jacket. "Rap, metal, rap, metal, Whitney Houston."

Edward couldn't believe what was going on around him. "I'm very drunk and I intend on getting still drunker before this evening's over." He stumbled out of the shop and headed in the direction of somewhere.

Later that day, still heartbroken because Edward had walked away from her, Bella tearily said to Rose, "I tried to kill myself with a Lady Bic. A pink plastic razor with daisies on it and a moisturizing strip."

Rose couldn't think of anything to respond to with that, so she nodded and said, "My dad always said that there's 24 usable hours in every day." She stood from where Bella lay curled in a heap and went back to Emmett where they were working on ways to make their plan into a success. With Edward having bailed on Jasper, they were left to make the movie themselves.

Emmett feeling pleased with his idea turned to Rose and loudly proclaimed, "I'm gonna fuck you with my pecker!"

Rose screwed up her nose in distaste. "Dude... that's really dirty."

"That's too dirty?" he questioned, surprised.

Rose reiterated. "That offends me."

Aiming for something a little more palatable, Emmett suggested, "Penis?"

"Fine."

Now that they had sorted out their dialogue, Emmett proudly bellowed, "I'm gonna fuck you with my penis!"

Turned on by Emmett's display of male dominance, Rose joined in, "I'd like a double espresso so I can stay up all night... 'cos I'm in the mood to fuck!"

And they did. Ripping off each other's clothes in haste, they began grinding on each other, moaning and groaning like Jenna Jameson with a monster cock up her ass, not stopping when Jay and Silent Bob walked in.

Bella who suddenly appeared in front of them, now tear free, stood with a camera in her hand and asked Jay to give a speech about the clitoris for her human sexuality class.

Jay had a few things about the clitoris he wanted her to hear. When Bella hit record he said, "I am the master of the clit. Remember this fucking face. Whenever you see clit, you'll see this fucking face. I make that shit work. It does whatever the fuck I tell it to. No one rules the clit like me. Not this little fuck," he said turning to Silent Bob beside him. "None of you little fucks out there. I am the clit commander! Remember that - commander of all clits! When it comes down to business, this is what I do. I pinch it like this," he said emphatically, showing the camera with his fingers just how he would work it. "Ooh you little fuck. Then I rub my nose with it." He finished by demonstrating just how he would do that.

Just as Rosalie was wailing out her orgasm a bald man walked in unannounced and uninvited. "You Ben Kingsley looking motherfucker," was all Emmett could say as Rose clenched around his straining dick.

…..

It was the next day before Bella saw Edward again, and when she did she promptly fell at his feet begging for him to forgive her.

It was the strangest thing but for some peculiar reason unbeknownst to Edward, the young goth girl from the music shop was standing beside him. She stood on her tip toes and whispered into his ear, "She's going to say her final words, not through me, but inevitably, and ever so coolly... through the immortal genius of the Bay City Rollers."

No one heard what Bella actually said because at that very moment Jay walked past singing, "Noinch, Noinch, Noinch, Schmokin Weed, Schmokin' Weed, Doin' Coke, Drinkin' Beers..."

Jasper who had been wandering the streets with a broken heart and a stiffy that wouldn't quit, awkwardly walked into the room, a jacket wrapped around his hands in front of him to cover the evidence of the arousal that had sparked from his infatuation with Edward, but on seeing the black-haired girl next to the object of his affections, those very same affections immediately became entranced and owned by goth girl herself.

Edward lonely and nursing a hangover, took Bella in his arms forgiving her of any wrongdoing. He knew they were meant to be together, destined to be eternally wounded by Cupid's arrow, belonging only to each other.

Rose and Emmett joined the happy couples, themselves sated from a night of extremely loud and animalistic monkey-love.

The six of them, all now happily matched with their mates, decided to go to the nearby shop. Together they went. It was a fair walk down the road. On the way they discussed many things. A stranger walking past would've done a double-take at the randomness of some of things discussed.

"I had an uncle called Terence once. Hated him. I think he was a pervert. But I very much like the look of you," said Alice to Jasper as she cuddled into his side.

Speaking about places where they could film their randy porn-fest, Rose was overheard telling Emmett, "Well, it's basic, really. Find a venue, over-order on the drinks, bulk-buy the guacamole and advise the girls to avoid Kevin if they want their breasts unfondled."

When they finally reached the store Bella wondered aloud if they sold movies. They all agreed if they did, they would buy one, but they couldn't decide on what movie to get, so to make it fair they decided on a game of eenie, meenie, miney, moe. The dirty version of course.

Bella won. Edward accompanied her to the counter where the guy manning it was on the phone. When the guy was put on hold he asked them what they were after. Edward said, "Excuse me, do you sell videos?"

"Yeah, what're you looking for?"

"Happy Scrappy Hero Pup," he told him.

"Uh, one second. I'm on the phone with the distribution house now, lemme make sure they got it," he replied in a bored, disinterested voice.

"'Kay."

"What's it called again?" he asked a few moments later.

"Happy Scrappy Hero Pup."

"Happy Scrappy! Bella excitedly said.

"She loves it," Edward grinned.

"Obviously." The dude behind the counter then moved the phone closer to his ear, and began speaking into it once again, "Uh, yeah, hi. This is RST Video calling. Customer number 4352, I'd like to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: "Whispers in the Wind", "To Each His Own", "Put It Where It Doesn't Belong", "My Pipes Need Cleaning", "All Tit-Fucking Volume 8", "I Need Your Cock", "Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers", "My Cunt and Eight Shafts", "Cum Clean", "Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts", "Cum Buns III", "Cumming in Socks", "Cum On Eileen", "Huge Black Cocks with Pearly White Cum", "Girls Who Crave Cock", "Girls Who Crave Cunt", "Men Alone II: The KY Connection", "Pink Pussy Lips", oh, yeah, and, uh, "All Holes Filled with Hard Cock". Yup. Oh, wait a minute," he stopped and turned to the now agape Edward and Bella. "Uh, what was that called again?"

The end.


End file.
